Bodily freedom
Being healthy is a good thing, actually
I've always been a scrawny gamer growing up. Not unhealthy per se, but not fit and definitely not strong.
That never really bothered me because all of my hobbies included sitting still. I'd sit and play games, sit and read, sit and talk to friends online, sit and watch videos and tv. It didn't matter to me that I couldn't throw a ballāI was perfectly happy with my sitting-adjacent hobbies.
Over time I grew less and less interested in games. They became less immersive and my eyes would wander around my room. Incessantly flipping through tile after tile nothing would sound fun. I had a shelf full of disks but didn't care for any of them. Trying to play a game I was excited about buying a week ago culminated in half a tutorial and 15 minutes of main menu music.
I was bored. Or in a rut. Or depressed.
However you put it I no longer had the spark of wonder that used to come from games. Nothing sounded fun. Unlimited games, but no games.
This was especially apparent after I moved out of my parents house. I got my first full time job about 45 minutes away and suddenly had a strange mix of way less hobby time but way more free time.
Many of my friends worked conflicting schedules. The ones that didn't were 45 minutes away and hard to plan an hour or two with.
Now: nothing. A lot of solitude.
I started going on walks. Those were fun. Eventually I moved from sidewalks to local parks for the scenic views. Life had pushed me in the direction of abnegation all on its' own.
If I'm not going to be much of a gamer anymore, I suppose I'll need some IRL hobbies instead. But I don't feel like my body is capable of many common IRL hobbies people do. Nor do I know what I want to do even. Why not start with fitness? Everyone suggests it and even if I hate it at least I'll get a bit stronger.
I ideated and determined a few goals.
- I want to be capable of running. A few weeks ago I sprinted for 10 seconds and ended up with a sharp pain under my rib cage while bellowing like a train. That felt pretty humiliating so I'd like to work on that.
- I want to do a pullup. I could as a recently as middle school, but I'd since gained weight and no new muscle.
- I want to learn enough about fitness to walk into a gym, have a good workout, and leave feeling sore but not hurt. I want to feel competent in a gym, even if I don't go regularly. This may just stem from social anxiety but I'd still feel good if I feel like I know what I'm doing.
First, I had a small running phase. For a few months I'd go a couple times a week, sometimes a long jog sometimes a short run and occasionally very short sprints. For a few weeks I even woke up hours before work and ran in the early morning like a sociopath. It was not sustainable but it was a fun phase to try out. You can take solace being the only person around focusing on nothing but your feet and lungs.
After a while I became a competent runner. I never did an event, however I could jog for however long I reasonably wanted and small bursts of top speed felt eons ahead of where I was before.
Before long I grew bored with running. I had attained my loose goal, further progress would involve numbers and milestones and other things I didn't care about. I'm not a runner, I just want to be healthy, right?
Next, I started a gym membership. This can be hard for people but I was feeling pretty motivated after seeing my progress with cardio. I spent ample time-likely excessive and bordering on nerd snipingāresearching weightlifting. Different exercises, different exercise splits, rest periods, going to failure vs reps in reserve, the whole shebang. You could make a living on all the nuances to this, you'd be called a personal trainer.1
After populating my mental notebook I finally just went to the gym. In hindsight, this is tricky to write about because it was remarkably uneventful. I went to the gym, did my exercises, started to better feel for cues, steadily increased the weight, and suddenly realized months had gone by. My weights were still fairly low (remember, scrawny gamer) but I actually knew what I was doing. I did my first dip and pullup just like that.2
I had a lot more potential for strength than I realized. Perhaps it was genetics, perhaps it was mindset, but this was a pretty shocking realization that came suddenly while drinking a slightly-too-chunky post-lift protein shake from my shaker.
If I want things to change in my life I can just... change... them.
It sounds goofy to me now, writing that out. But before my brain kicked me out of gaming as a hobby I never realized that. Of course I'm not strong, I don't like lifting.
So, about 6 to 9 months in, I've accomplished all of my initial goals. I feel fit, capable, and strong. I can go on an impromptu 6 hour hike and walk away with sore feet but not feel like I'm going to die. I can pick up a heavy rock and put it down somewhere else because I know how to brace my core. I can do a damn pullup (a couple now, actually). What now?
Anything.
I feel a lot more confident in my body now. I can do things that past me envied and I have a pretty solid grasp on how to work towards new goals. I feel free to run, climb, lift, explore, and move.
I feel more confident in my mindset, too. I still get social anxiety and feel overwhelmed sometimes while stressed out. But overall I am more centered. "Normal"3. I can work towards physical goals but also mental goals. Life goals. The same training process and mindset carries over to many facets of life. I feel free to allow myself long term goals.
I feel freedom.
Going to the gym has nudged me onto a much healthier seeming path. I'm glad I took this journey even if it was challenging day to day. Arguably because it was challenging day to day.
Of course not everyone wants to go to the gym. I had a curiousity but only realized that once I started. Before actually trying it I had no way to know. I never got a runners high or found moving heavy circles especially enjoyable but I did get satisfaction in the fruits of my labor improving my physical self.
Life's short, go to the gym.4
Some personal trainers are pretty unscientific, mind you. But the potential for the excellent ones tailoring everything to your body and your goals is astounding.↩
I'm glossing over a few months of progression on the pullup especially. Machine assisted, then negatives, then banded (though I didn't really like those as much as slower negatives), then the pullup. With weeks between each progression of course.↩
Using normal like this is a bit self derogatory as it carries the implication of being "not normal." I'm trying to cut down on harmful inner monologue like this but it certainly reflects my mind at the time. Hopefully a little less now.↩
If you want :^)↩